the inevitability of karma + the power of de-writing your story

Recently, my 10 year-old son finished reading a book called The Hunger Games.

Upon closing the cover, he pressed it into my hands and said, Mom, you HAVE to read this. It’s sooo good.

Well, umm… you may have heard, I’m kind of a big ol’ sucker for this child.

(Who used to be, like, 19 inches long, and right before that, who used to live in my body, people! How is it possible that we are now reading the same books?)

Anyway.

The idea of sharing a book with him- one I didn’t even have to read aloud- was nothing short of awesome.

Little did I know I would be so drawn into the story.

Dude, seriously. That girl Katniss is one badass little 16 year-old mofo.

(If you haven’t read the book, I highly recommend it and here is a brief synopsis-without-spoilers: it is a futuristic novel about an annual event called the Hunger Games, where 24 boys and girls, aged 12 to 18, are selected by lottery to participate in a fight-to-the-death competition. There is only one champion- and that is the last child still alive when it’s over. The main character is called Katniss. Yes, the badass mofo.)

And as I closed the pages, I couldn’t help thinking about what Katniss had endured, and the thoughts and ideas she had shared along the way.

Yes, yes- I know she was a fictional character. But I felt like she had sh#tloads to teach me.

About spectacular feats of bravery.

About taking bone-chilling risks.

And about loyalty. To a friend, a loved one. Or simply to someone who had once offered you a beautiful kindness.

About believing in yourself despite the odds, but certainly in response to ever-increasing evidence of your potential for success.

And about vulnerability. Letting go of pride, and falling into trust, fortified by the power of deep intuition.

Yeah, all that out of a book my kid ordered from the Scholastic catalog.

Anyway, I started thinking about what MY life would look like if someone wrote a story about it.

And after popping a Zoloft…

(KIDDING.)

So, okay- maybe I can’t say that my life is the stuff of a page-turning action novel.

But here’s the thing. It’s been a grand adventure so far. Really and truly.

And I wouldn’t trade it for anyone else’s. It’s exactly the life I‘ve needed to live in order to become the person I am today.

And…

And, from this point on, as with all points that went before, I have the option to craft the story of this magnificent life any way I want to.

Isabelle Allende once said, You are the storyteller of your own life and you can create your own legend or not.

This means two things to me.

thing #1: choices

We have the ability (and, in my opinion, responsibility) to make choices on a heartbeat-to-heartbeat basis that will allow us to step into the future we desire.

One summer, when I was signing my son out of his summer camp, I looked up to see a banner that said, Let the choices you make today be choices you can live with tomorrow.

Ah, yes.

The inevitability that what we choose today will come back to haunt (or delight!) us tomorrow.

Karma. Of the non-instant variety.

thing #2: memories

A lesser-noticed meaning of a quote like Isabel Allende’s is this.

What just happened a few seconds ago didn’t necessarily go down the way your mind is telling you it did.

Dan Gilbert wrote a fantastic book a few years ago called Stumbling On Happiness.

(No, my son and I haven’t shared that one yet.)

In the book, he shares several studies that have been done to determine whether the mind is either a reliable tool for determining what will make you happy in the future or for helping you to remember what made you happy in the past.

The results of these studies are astonishing.

Not only do we not remember correctly how our lives have played out (subjects in the studies couldn’t accurately remember events that had taken place moments before- much less years), but by telling the story of how these events have played out, we are even less likely to remember them correctly.

Because that was a bit of a lengthy sentence, allow me to restate it.

We can’t remember shit about what has happened in our lives.

Our brains, which are fantastic at helping us to remember where we live, what our families’ faces look like, and the difference between a toothbrush and a towel, cannot be relied upon to accurately portray events and circumstances that have happened in our lives.

Armed with that tasty tidbit of scientific knowledge, I’ve been on a mission for the past few years to not only reconstruct (or is it deconstruct?) my ‘sad childhood’, but to reframe the events that are happening in my life on a moment-by-moment, heartbeat-to-heartbeat basis.

Which means that, as soon as a thought enters my mind that goes something like

If only…
I wish I had…
Why didn’t he…?
I should…
This isn’t fair…
How dare they…

I know that it is within my power, completely and absolutely, to reframe that thought. To rewrite the moment that just passed.

No, not ‘rewrite’. I take that back.

To ‘de-write’ it.

To ask myself whether I’ve been spinning a yarn or whether I’m actually swimming in the clear + sparkling waters of Reality.

And when I shine a bright light on each and every one of the tiny, bejeweled moments of my life…

I realize I am one badass mofo.

there is no red light (how a trip to the fedex office can empower you to move forward in life)

I was driving around yesterday evening looking for the FedEx pickup office where a Christmas package was being held (Santa delivered it there rather than leave it at my door with no signature).

On the way, I took about six wrong turns because the place was in a nearby neighborhood in which I ‘thought’ I knew my way around.

Danger, danger, Will Robinson!

Here’s the thing. Anytime you think you ‘already know’ something, you automatically start to act, like, twelve times stupider than you actually are.

When you do that Yeah yeah, I know thing, your mind has a tricky way of putting you on autopilot in unknown territory, fooling you into thinking everything’s gonna be just dandy.

When in reality, you’re like a person who’s smoking pot + texting while trying to ride a unicycle backwards. For the first time.

So that evening, as I realized I didn’t have an effing clue where I was, I found myself sitting at a light, waiting to make a course-correcting u-turn.

There was a sign above the light that indicated I could either turn left or make a u-turn.

Cars whizzed past me in each direction.

My mind was filled with various thoughts (you know how minds are) such as, I love this song that’s playing… I haven’t heard from so-and-so in two eons, wonder if she still lives in the same place… I need a hair appointment… Where does THAT road lead… I should get my garage cleaned out… so-and-so is such a good friend…

You get the picture.

I waited there a few seconds.

(And, yeah, a few seconds is all it takes for all-of-the-above-thoughts-and-more to run through my head.)

And suddenly I realized that the light wasn’t going to turn green.

No matter how long I waited at that light, there was no go-go-greenery happening anytime in the foreseeable future.

BECAUSE THERE WAS NO LIGHT.

I was waiting at an uncontrolled intersection, watching clusters of headlights pass me and then dissipate, letting precious seconds of my evening slip away, waiting for the ‘all clear’ signal.

You know, the signal that says, ‘Go.’

The green light.

And yet, there was none.

My mind, which had tricked me into thinking I knew were the f—- I was going in the first place, had also tricked me into seeing a light where none existed.

Sure, there were lights at all the surrounding intersections. There were lights every-freakin’-where.

‘Specially if you count the holiday lights on the neighborhood streets, which remind me sometimes that, Jesus, folks, carbon footprint much??

(Oops, I digress.)

But at this particular intersection, there was no light. And yet I was waiting for permission to proceed.

Permission that would never come.

All it took for me to change my game was to become aware that permission was not forthcoming.

As soon as I realized I was waiting for a magic wand that would never grant my wish, I was able to accurately gauge oncoming traffic and plot my quick u-turn, which in moments led me to a nice cozy (no, I’m being facetious) warehouse where I could pick up my lovely Christmas package.

And I realized how often we wait for permission to move forward in life.

We wait for someone or something else to signal us to Go!

We think we’re stuck at a red light, when really the decision whether to proceed- with a project, a business, a relationship, a meal- is entirely up to us.

I also realized that- just as I determined the correct time to make my u-turn based on the distance of the oncoming cars, the size and relative speed of my car, and my confidence in my own ability to turn in the space and time provided- we have much more knowledge, and many more tools at our disposal, than we often give ourselves credit for.

I don’t think about making u-turns consciously. I used to, when I first began driving. But these days, I just make the turn. All the micro-decisions leading up to it happen somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind. The information I need just shows up when I need it.

It’s the same with anything else I do.

The truth is, I have the knowledge. I have the ability. I even have the drive and devotion to succeed at anything I set my mind to.

And so do you.

It’s just a matter of taking matters into your own hands and making the turn. Moving forward into that next opportunity.

So what about that, then?

Are you waiting for the green light?

Waiting for permission to take the next step (start that business, create that art, audition for that role, send that important email, ship that product)?

Look up. There’s no red light. The intersection is wide and clear.

Look up, and then put your foot on the gas pedal, honey- and steer your life in the direction of your dreams.

Your Christmas package awaits.

let it suck, let it suck, let it suck (a very special holiday carol about dealing with your feelings)

This morning, while I was in the shower (do the best insights come to you there, too?) I was thinking about how many women entrepreneurs I talk with every day who are ‘battling the blues’ about their business.

You know… that feeling that things aren’t moving fast enough, you’re not having the impact you want to have yet, you’re not making enough money yet. That you’ll never get where [insert accomplished entrepreneur you’ve just compared yourself to] is, not in a million years. That you didn’t get enough done last week, and you haven’t done enough today, and you probably won’t get enough done tomorrow, either.

And I thought about how many times I myself feel like I’m running up against that You suck, everybody hates you, and you should go eat worms voice.

And then, I thought about a li’l magic trick that helps me go from wallowing in that ‘I suck’ feeling to unsucking myself super duper quickly.

It’s a lot different than the way I used to do it.

Here, a demonstration.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

:: old way

Come on Helen, you know you are great. You’re great-you’re great-you’re GREAT! Let’s do some affirmations.

I’m good enough, and I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me! Wheee!


*frowns*

I’m not really sure this affirmation thing is for me. Doesn’t seem to be working.

Oh, now, you see? I really DO suck. I can’t even do affirmations right! I wonder if there’s any ice cream left in the freezer…

:: new way

You know what, Helen, no matter how much you try to pump yourself up, the plain and simple fact is that you feel like shit right now.

Let’s look at that. What does it feel like? Let’s go deeper into the feeling and see where it takes us.

In fact, let’s talk to our Suck Factor and see where she’s coming from.

Oh, Suuuck Faaactooor, come out, come out wherever you are. I ain’t afraid o’ you.

*tries very hard to imagine Suck Factor coming out so I can take a look at it*

Hmmm… Suck Factor, you appear to be nonexistent. I mean, I can’t see you. I can’t hold you in my hands. You don’t have a face, or a voice, or a personality.

Why exactly have I been wasting my time listening to a phantom?

Aaaand, we’re back in business, folks.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I admit that may be a tad oversimplified.

Although yes, I really do have these kinds of conversations in my head (par-TAY in the grey matter, peeps!).

But here’s the gist.

Before, I was trying to force myself out of the blues. Resisting like hell. Saying, I shouldn’t be feeling this, dammit. I need to stop, immediately.

And the more I did that, the worse I felt.

Now, when Sucktacular Susie comes along, I welcome her with open arms. Oh, there you are Susie! I’ve missed you so. Let’s have tea. Susie? Susie? *scratching head* Now where could she have gone?

Thing is, resisting any emotion only makes it hang out longer. Pretending something doesn’t exist just makes it seem more alive.

But, through some fairy-magic-of-the-universe loophole, acknowledging what’s showing up for us- and yes, even opening our arms wide to it- makes it vaporize like the shadowy sham it actually is (or… um, isn’t).

So the next time you feel the ol’ Suck Factor hanging out in your headspace, just let it suck. Let it suck so hard that it has no choice but to stop sucking.

(that sounded a li’l bit naughty, hee hee…)

But seriously, it works. For realz.

In honor of the holidays, I even wrote a little carol to help you remember this the next time you feel like doggy doo.

It’s hip, it’s edgy, you heard it here first. (wink)

Enjoy!

(cue tune of ‘Let It Snow’)

Oh my thoughts around this are frightful
But I’d rather feel delightful
And since I’m tired of being stuck
Let it suck, let it suck, let it suck!

It doesn’t show signs of stopping
And my friends are done pep-talking
So how can I get unstuck?
Let it suck, let it suck, let it suck!

When I finally let it in
How the suck disappears in the wind
And if I try to hold it tight
That old Suck Factor books the first flight!

The blues are quickly dying
And my dear, I’m back to flying
‘Cause now that my ‘suck’ has walked
Let it rock, let it rock, let it rock!

my (deeply personal + probably overly raw) story of how I cured myself of road rage + transformed my life

For years I suffered from road rage.

Yeah, I admit it. Every time I got behind the wheel it was like Mr. Hyde took over. (Get the f—- out of the way, you idiot! Oh, thanks for signaling, a-hole. How can people drive so slowly? It’s f’ing painful!)

I wanted SO badly to stop, but it seemed impossible.

One wrong move by a fellow driver could send me into a tailspin. I’d rehash the ‘incident’ over and over in my mind, often setting the tone for a day full of crappy internal complaints.

Rationally, it made no sense. I knew these were mothers and fathers, grandparents and children of other people. I knew they were all human beings, many of whom I would probably really dig. But when I was in the car, they were the enemy.

(Can you relate? If not, um… boy is my face red.)

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the ONE thing hampering your success (or, how to stop chasing your tail)

Lizard brain.

Resistance.

People have named it different things.

Name it whatever you like, but here is a breakdown of the phenomenon that occurs every time you try to create something, whether a business, a career, a work of art, a relationship, or an entire life.

:: the setup

Whether or not you’re aware of it, some part of you believes that there will be some magical place in the future when you’ll get your shit together and have everything figured out and be wildly successful and have loads of cash and encounter no more running-up-against-your-own-stubbornness-or-fear-or-confusion crap.

Unicorns live there. Fairies too.

:: the reality

That day will never come.

Ever.

Yes, you’ll be wildly successful, sure.

Loads of cash? Definite possibility if you hustle.

No more troubles? No more struggles? Nothing left to figure out?

Absolutely out of the question. (And snooze-tastic as hell, if you ask me.)

:: the truth

There will always be a fierce monster lurking behind every door of opportunity you choose to open.

(… and the truth shall set you free.)

Here’s an idea: depend on it. Plan for it.

And, a hint: the monster doesn’t need to be defeated so much as it needs a hug and to know it’s part of the family.

Fighting the Resistance is like chasing your own tail. Exhausting, neverending, fruitless. Entertaining to onlookers.

Hug.

Accept.

Invite it to tea. Or cocktails if that’s more your gig.

And keep moving.

You’re the one we’ve been waiting for. (wink)