bitch-slapping your ego (foolproof tools for tough decision-making)

At the end of last year, I made a heartbreakingly painful decision to end a relationship with a perfectly wonderful man.

You might be thinking, So what? People break up all the time.

But for me, the decision was difficult not only because he was a good guy with whom I’d shared a strong connection at one time, but because- well… because I’m a 40 (almost 41) year-old single mom who’s been more or less single for almost 8 years.

I ain’t gettin’ any younger, honey.

Plus, I live in San Diego, California- home of honey-haired, smooth-skinned, long, lean, and tan beach beauties. None of which describes me.

(No, no, I’m not hating on myself. I realize I am attractive, sure. But I’m also realistic.)

So breaking up with a handsome, sexy, fun, sweet, smart guy who was head-over-heels about me seemed like a pretty bone-headed thing to do when the thought started seeping into my mind.

To add to my confusion, we were one of those couples when we first met. You know, the ones you think are SO perfect for each other. The ones who seem so in love they make you want to gag whenever they’re around.

At least, we were one of those couples until I started to realize he wasn’t the guy for me long-term.

It wasn’t like he did anything wrong, or had a personality flaw, or even that he changed in any way. Without completely deconstructing the relationship here in this space, I’d have to say it was simply because there were some ‘this won’t change’ qualities about him and his life that I just didn’t want to live with.

They weren’t bad things, or things I wanted him to change. They were just… things. Things I didn’t want in my life.

But when I started feeling this inkling, it was met with fierce resistance by my ego, which instantly went on the attack. It sounded like this.

How can you break up with a perfectly great guy? You think you’ll ever find someone who loves you this much? He’s treated you better than any guy ever has! What will people think? You said you were crazy about him, and now everyone’s going to think you are a flake! How will you ever meet someone again? You’ve tried online dating and you know you don’t want to go there again. You’re going to be alone FOREVER. What is wrong with you??

Now… d’ya think this sounds like the voice of a good friend? Right. Me neither.

To make a long-ish story a little more short-ish: I ended up bitch-slapping that voice and made the uncomfortable decision to end the relationship. And I haven’t regretted it for a moment. Really.

But why am I sharing this with you?

Because the only way I was able to make this transition confidently and quickly is because I’ve worked on developing myself a healthy set o’ decision-making skills.

And if you want to have a fulfilling, kick-ass, crazygood life, you’re gonna need those same skills. You’ll need the kind of mad skills that can get you through the toughest decisions you’ll ever face.

When you think about it, your entire life is made up of a series of decisions. Every action you take is preceded by a decision- and it’s the actions you take in life that create your very destiny.

Plus, timing is everything.

Stand on the fence about things for too long, and opportunities pass you by. Leap into too many situations that are out of alignment with your true self, on the other hand, and you lose time (and sometimes money) backtracking, and often cause yourself and others a lot of stress, guilt, and heartache in the process.

So when faced with a decision about whether to take that job, stay in that relationship, start that business, or enter into that agreement or partnership, how do you know which is the ‘right’ way to go?

In my experience, there are 3 key strategies you can use to pump your decision-making muscles into high gear. I’ve used them countless times throughout my life, and I’m sharing them with you here.

1. consult your ‘UPS’

These days, when you want to get somewhere as painlessly as possible, what do you do? You plug your destination into your GPS, and let it guide you there.

Well, honey, YOU have one of these (a much better one, actually) installed right at the center of your being. Although I like to call it a ‘UPS’, or Universal Positioning System.

Yes, wherever you go, there you are, smack-dab in your place in the universe, without regard for time or space. Your UPS will show you the way to go even when your mind would like to convince you that you couldn’t find your way out of a paper bag.

Here’s how to access it. Try sitting quietly with the issue for awhile. Take each side of your decision (you’re always choosing between two things) and give it thorough examination. How do you feel when you think about each alternative? Expanded, or contracted? Do you feel light and free, or heavy and shackled? Do you get the sense that things feel right, or do they feel ‘off’ somehow?

Are you resisting any of those contracted, heavy, or ‘off’ feelings because you’re afraid of the consequences of your decision (having to announce that you’re taking a new direction in some aspect of your business or life, holding an uncomfortable conversation to end a partnership, stepping out of your comfort zone, etc.)?

Often you’ll feel both a heaviness in your heart and a cacophony in your head. This happens when you just KNOW you’re meant to go in one direction, but your mind is arguing all the way. It’ll come up with reason after reason why taking the easier path makes perfect sense – reasons like, You’ll be hurting so-and-so’s feelings if you reject this proposal, or You’d be crazy to move across the country for that opportunity, or, Are you serious? You can’t walk away from that much money!

So do this. Get out a sheet of paper or open up your computer, and make two lists. Title one list ‘Why I Want This’ and another ‘Why I Don’t Want This’. Get all of your reasons out of your head and into black and white. Your UPS will be found in the answers. 

Whichever list is filled with criticisms and concerns about what other people will think of you, or how your life will change negatively, is the list that is ego-based. The one that contains reasons that call to your higher self (even though they may come with painful consequences) is the one based on your deep inner wisdom.

2. f— everyone else

I mean that in the kindest, gentlest way possible. Really.

What I mean is, if you’re still not totally sure whether you’re listening to your UPS or your mind, you need to focus in on just ONE question. It’s the mother of all questions to get to the core of what you (the real you) really, really want:

How would I feel if I made this decision and there were no external consequences?

In other words, if you didn’t have to announce to a single soul that you’d made the decision, or if money weren’t involved, or if the steps you had to take as a result of your decision didn’t exist – how would you feel? If you could wave a magic wand and know with 100% certainty that no pain, struggle, or loss would occur to you or anyone else, what would that feel like?

If the answer is ‘free’, ‘relieved’, ‘like a huge weight has been lifted off me’, or anything similar, that is a HUGE indicator that you’ve found where you need to be.

A caveat: when you consult your intuition like this, give yourself time to process your insights. Sometimes, because of external factors such as hormonal fluctuations, lack of sleep, or stress, we can feel the urge to be ‘free’ of just about anything on a given day! So let it sit for a day or two, and then check back in with yourself before you consider making a serious change in your situation.

But don’t stand too long on the ground of indecision. Which leads me to the final strategy…

3. get off your ass and do something

The least effective thing you can do is to make no decision at all.  Actually, by doing that, you ARE making a decision: you’re deciding to stay stuck and miserable by allowing confusion to trip you up.

Keep in mind: you can’t do it wrong. Despite what many people would have you believe, life is not a pass/fail, lose/win proposition – it’s a playground. The only way to ‘lose’ is to sit under a tree watching your friends do hop-scotch and feeling lonely for no reason.

Rather than stay stuck under that metaphorical tree, trapped in fear or confusion, become aware of the thoughts that are running through your mind and causing you needless stress around the decision-making process. These thoughts often go something like, What if it doesn’t work out? or, What if something better comes along? or, What if I lose money on this?

These thoughts are neither productive, nor do they even hint at the reality of the situation. They are a by-product of a busy mind that likes to invent problems so that it has something to solve. Don’t indulge it. Remove yourself from those thoughts (they are only thoughts, after all, and everyone has ‘em!) and reframe your focus.

Here’s the reality: you can do everything ‘right’ and some cataclysmic event could occur anyway that would negate all of your fabulous decisions anyway. Natural disasters, accidents, and unforeseen tragedies occur every day. I’m not saying that to be morbid – it’s just a fact.

Truth is, the only time to act is right NOW. The future is uncertain, with so many things out of your control, that the only way to really live is to take clear, focused action on things that ARE in your control.

So what’s in your control? What are you on the fence about right now?

And how can you use these tools to bump yourself out of confusion or inertia and up to the next level of kick-ass-ness? (yes, ‘kick-assness’ is a word, thank you very much).

Do share!

Comments

[Fate Unveiled]

Well for one, people may think a ton of things about a person because of what they chose to do or nor do. I learnt a long time ago that people do not know what is right for me, sure I have always taken what they say into account but I base my final decision on what I feel is right for me. If they can't accept my decision then perhaps they are not thinking about what is right for me as an internal being.

I am very rational in mind so I tend to analyse everything as well possible look into possible outcomes to determine what my choice is. This is my life if I live it for anyone else, then I chose to allow my choices and feeling to belong to them. Life is personal, and I'm going to keep it that way.

[mitsuhote]

This helped me to quit my friend and tell her I'm gone, search her own soul for what she REALLY wanted. Like I love her and everything.. but this isn't working and it hasn't been for a while.

Of course that leaves me back on ground zero but like that'll stop me.
(;P)

So, thanks.

[Shay]

Great post! Consulting your UPS is essential with bitch slapping a negative voice. Once you're clear on what you want to do, the second step of "f other people" is a little less daunting. And the master of them all: action. Without taking action we'd all be couch potatoes with huge beer bellies. :)

Wonderful post!

[Helen]

Thanks for the great comments, all... I'm so glad this post resonated with you. :-) xoxo